Ask Doctor Zin

By Thomas James Martin
Published Suite101 - September 1, 2002

I recently received a letter from an old friend of mine who had suddenly disappeared many years ago. It turns out that he has been studying ancient religions and mysticism all over the world during the past few years.
After years of meditation and spiritual practices, he opened his eyes one morning after a particularly deep meditation to discover that he had been in satori for weeks and to find dozens of other spiritual seekers sitting around him in a circle. They immediately bowed to him en masse and introduced themselves as his students.

Apparently, they had become so awed while watching the play of golden colors above his head as they watched him in meditation that they now considered him an enlightened master. Soon his fame spread far and wide, and many were amazed at the effortless wisdom with which he handled the problems of his disciples. An avid group of his followers determined that the master should share his wisdom and glory with all the peoples of the world.

Thus, the media phenomenon of Doctor Zen (I mean Zin) was born. The good Doctor has asked me to function as his intermediary. His mailbox is overflowing (as well as the tongue in his not so politically correct cheek). Here are some questions from tortured souls along with his humble but possibly "brilliant" answers.

Dear Doctor,

I have lost my job, my life savings, and have had to declare bankruptcy. To make matters worse, my wife called me a deadbeat and ran off to Madagascar with a lingerie sales clerk with money gained from selling our children to a black market adoption service. My psychiatrist tells me that I am depressed and has put me on various anti-depressive medications.

However, I feel there must be a spiritual answer to these problems. Can you help me, Dr. Ze\in?

Broke in Buffalo


Dear Broke,

Just snap out of it man!!! You don't need no stinking pills!

Of course, there is a spiritual solution to any of life's challenges. I prefer the word challenge to problem as a problem is really an opportunity for growth. Now you can do something with your life that you really want to do. For example, you could:



Teach seminars to the recently unemployed at $500 a pop on coping with change
Sell homemade cayenne pepper ice cream
Open a carwash that specializes in SUV's and other earth-friendly vehicles
Become a hit man (the money's great!)
Take a course in VCR repair (preferably Betamax). By the way, DVD's are just a temporary phenomenon in my opinion.)
Earn thousands of dollars on the Internet just mailing out letters to friendly folk clamoring to fill up their empty hard drives
Earn a substantial living telemarketing, as you help willing people find mortgage refinancing or various types of siding at dinner time or even better while they are watching Monday Night Football or reruns of Ally McBeal or Seinfeld
I would not lose any sleep about losing your life savings and retirement either. Most convenience stores will continue to hire older workers, especially for the graveyard shift. (Don't forget, just give them the money; no heroics.)

Hope this helps!


Sincerely,
Z



Dear Doctor Zin,

What is the secret of life?

Siddartha
Delhi

Dear Siddhartha,

Now it wouldn't be a secret any longer if I told you, would it? Don't ever ask me that again. As they say in alphabet agencies (CIA, NSA, FBI, etc.), If I told you, I might have to kill you.

Sincerely,
Z



Dear Doctor Z,

My boyfriend is into natural foods and has become obsessed with pistachio nuts. He eats them everywhere, and usually I don't mind. It's just that lately he's started shelling them while we are. . .well, you know. . .mixing it up so to speak.

I wouldn't mind his eating the nuts if he would just properly dispose of the shells, but he insists upon just throwing them anywhere, and I, for one, am sick and tired of lying on the them.

Also, I am becoming quite nauseated when he runs those red-stained hands over my body. Oh, Doctor Z, I don't know what to do. I do love Billy, and am afraid that he will leave me if I complain.

I don't know if I can take it anymore, Doctor. Please help!

Nutty in Naples, Florida

Dear Nutty in Naples,

Since you are a female and a second-class person, you can try talking to him in that sweet simpering tone of voice for which your sex is famous. Tell him how you honestly feel about the situation. (Hey maybe you could do this while ironing his shirts.) Don't go too far of course; you don't want him to dump you!

Try watching some movies from the '40s or '50s if you need some cultural conditioning to help you achieve the proper passive aggressive tone and manner. May I suggest almost any of the Doris Day-Rock Hudson movies, such as "Lover, Come Back" or "That Touch of Mink."

Some of the romance comics of the period offer some good advice on how the "little woman" should deal with the dominant sex. Try some of the old "Modern Romances." If you have trouble locating old copies of the comics, try Truer Than True Romances, a modern update on the romance comics.


Yours,
Dr. Zin



Dear Zin,

I recently appeared on the "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" television program. I was all excited about the prospects of winning a million dollars and international fame and fortune.

Unfortunately, I missed the first question. It was just too hard. They actually asked me to name any two sexes of human beings. How was I to know that BDSM and Foot Fetish not actually the names of the sexes.

Of course, now I know that male and female were the correct answers, but I don't know if I will ever be able to show my face in public again since I am so humiliated.

P.S. - I also lost on Jeopardy.

Clueless in Seattle

Dear Clueless,

Don't ever again send your filth to me! After washing your mouth out with soap, you should crawl under your bed and never come out again!

Furthermore, don't even think about tying me up with #2 twisted fiber hemp rope to the goldplated iron rings that were mistakenly installed by rambunctious disciples in the base boards of my heart-shaped bed.

Believe you me, I WILL find out and suitably punish with my new cat-o-nine tails whoever of my enemies told you about this!

Also, I will sue you into eternity if you tell that I also lost on Jeopardy.


Exasperatedly yours,
Z

Well, that is all the advice the good Doctor sent me this time. If his column catches on, he has promised to send me some more of his enlightened wisdom and advice. Until that future time, Doctor Zin has asked me to pass along to you this deep thought which struck him one evening as he was eating his usual box of Milk Duds:

Don't you think you would like it if it were likable.


Peace.

Copyright 2002-2010, Thomas James Martin, all rights reserved.