By Thomas James Martin
Published - Suite101 - 2004
Author's Note: Lo, what is this I find in some lost, little viewed directory of my hard drive? Why it's an old unpublished column from my days of writing for an organic foods company!
Hmm. . .It does make some feeble attempts at humor, and it's most certainly not your usual take on the wild and wonderful world of fruits and vegetables.
Well, I am desperate to publish an an article to meet an editor's deadline this month. I wonder. . .
Searching for inspiration at 3 o'clock in the morning a columnist trying desperately to meet his editor's deadline but punchy from lack of sleep still hopes for a fortuitous swell of the Internet surf.
Gesturing hypnotically (like Mandrake the Magician, he of cartoon fame of old) and rising above all inhibitions, he types c-o-l-l-a-r-d-s into the Google search engine.
I feel as if I have entered a new dimension of awareness as I scan the search results. Talk about "nowhere Zen" information! I ponder the intricate networking of the paths of my life that have led me to the fourth choice on the page. If I had never taken that "right turn in Albuquerque" would I be reading about "The National Iguana Awareness Day Web Page."
Hoo. . .Hah. . .Undoubtedly madness lies in this direction. But I'm game. I click the link and arrive at "niad.org" where a flashing sign reminds weary web travelers that September 9, 2000 is the famous day (See note at end of article.).
Good grief! From what little I know of Chaos Theory, I understand that its mathematics (in part) helps us to find connections in the real world that are not apparent. But, how in the world do "iguanas" relate to "collards?"
Turns out that collards are on the short list of the best foods to feed one's iguana, as it is a dark green leafy vegetable, and 70% of the lizard's diet should be composed of greens. In addition to collards, Iguanas thrive on dandelion greens, endive, mustard greens and turnip greens.
In fact, I learn that Iguanas also like parsnips, butternut squash, figs, green beans, peas, grapes and raspberries. Rhubarb, however, is poisonous to the cute critters.
I hope no offense has been taken by Iguana lovers of which I am one-though, admittedly, I will probably not own one in this lifetime (too many cats and dogs flitting around my place).
Now I was about to call the collard the "Millard Filmore" of vegetables, after the 19th century president whose accomplishments like his name are seldom remembered today. I don't watch much television but I'm pretty sure collards are not often prepared by famous cable TV chefs. And, I seriously doubt "Oprah" or any other afternoon talk show host has pursued experts on collards.
The name, collard, just seems humble-like something some hayseed would give his beloved. "Here. . .uh. . .Maybelle, I thought maybe you'd like this here "mess of collards."
However, for too long this nourishing and delicious vegetable has been considered just an ethnic dish, a "pot green" of the South, traditionally boiled with "ham hock" or other meat.
Like most dark green, leafy vegetables, collards are a nutritional bonanza and are especially valuable sources of calcium, Vitamins A and C, and iron and other minerals.
See, you just can't beat a collard. . .or a nice green iguana either for that matter.
By the way, collards do keep well, especially if wrapped in plastic. Kept too long though and they turn as yucky as old mustard stains turning a puky yellow on neglected acid-washed jeans.
Collards are closely related to kale, as both are derived from Brassica olearceae. Collards have a round, smooth leaf while kale has a curly leaf.
You know what kale is, right? It's that stiff, green stuff on which they serve cheap French Fries and onion rings in the better chain restaurants.
Cheers if you like your collards boiled with a fatty meat. That's the way I had them growing up in the South.
However, in tribute to free-flowing arteries, I now much prefer my greens cooked without "fatback." I actually prefer just to steam the leaves until tender and serve with some balsamic or apple cider vinegar.
I suppose the morals of this little article are threefold:
Never presuppose that (as some elements of Chaos Theory expound) a connection cannot be found between seemingly unrelated objects or events.
Never understimate the power of green, leafy vegetables, especially when your mother harped on eating them for some 18 years.
A seemingly impossible timelines can often be met--especially with a DSL connection and a little faith in the serendipity of the Internet surf.
Good Grief, Tommy!
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